ugh...

my ex  and i have certainly had a few bumps in the road but it was always more important to  smooth those bumps out to me at least so that we can be the best parents for our daughters as possible, i mean baby momma and daddy drama is so overrated and i never wanted that to be us.  lately though it seems that all we do is argue, despite the bumps there are still things that hurt me when i think about our situation and how much i gave and how much i got hurt but enough hours in therapy and asking the lawdie hey-zues to help me forgive i chopped it up to life, you live you learn, and what doesnt kill you makes you stronger! i made up my mind 4 years ago i was over our situation kids or not, but somewhere in his mind he hasnt quite gotten over things and in his world saying sorry and i love you is all it will take to make us a family again.  not that i dont feel my kids deserve a family i just dont want to be one with him ever again, i went through too much to put myself back in that situation.  last night we got into this huge fight and the most stupid thing about it all, the reason we got into a fight was based on a lie that he told and even though he wont admit it was a lie, we both know it was, and to me why would i want to be with someone who would rather fight over a lie and cause drama then just simply tell the truth!?! what sense does that make especially because we arent together so telling a lie to make yourself look better is worse than being honest when telling the truth will make you look just as good, does this sound yellow school bus and drool cup special to anyone else but me, seriously (wtf)!!!  so when i said i was done lets just leave it alone he continued to push and i totally snapped, so out of character for me (lol)  and i said things to him that despite his yellow school bus specialness i know i shouldnt have said.  it was almost like an out of body experience i said things i didnt even know i had to say and even though when i was saying them i could see my words cutting through him like a hot knife to butter i just couldnt stop, am i wrong, i mean i know what i said was wrong but if i did or didnt mean them is it wrong when someone keeps pushing you. i would love more than anything to tell him i am sorry, but a part of me feels like he needed to hear those words just like i needed to get them off my chest, is it wrong to know that you have hurt someone and  not apologize, is it wrong to lose that much of control and have to ponder if whats the right thing to do is really the right thing to do.  and for as bad as i feel, i also feel equally okay to a degree, but is this bigger than me and my feelings, is this really about repairing a relationship for my daughters, ugh sometimes morals and ethics are so overrated, so here's to saying "sorry!"  (ugh)