ugh...

my ex  and i have certainly had a few bumps in the road but it was always more important to  smooth those bumps out to me at least so that we can be the best parents for our daughters as possible, i mean baby momma and daddy drama is so overrated and i never wanted that to be us.  lately though it seems that all we do is argue, despite the bumps there are still things that hurt me when i think about our situation and how much i gave and how much i got hurt but enough hours in therapy and asking the lawdie hey-zues to help me forgive i chopped it up to life, you live you learn, and what doesnt kill you makes you stronger! i made up my mind 4 years ago i was over our situation kids or not, but somewhere in his mind he hasnt quite gotten over things and in his world saying sorry and i love you is all it will take to make us a family again.  not that i dont feel my kids deserve a family i just dont want to be one with him ever again, i went through too much to put myself back in that situation.  last night we got into this huge fight and the most stupid thing about it all, the reason we got into a fight was based on a lie that he told and even though he wont admit it was a lie, we both know it was, and to me why would i want to be with someone who would rather fight over a lie and cause drama then just simply tell the truth!?! what sense does that make especially because we arent together so telling a lie to make yourself look better is worse than being honest when telling the truth will make you look just as good, does this sound yellow school bus and drool cup special to anyone else but me, seriously (wtf)!!!  so when i said i was done lets just leave it alone he continued to push and i totally snapped, so out of character for me (lol)  and i said things to him that despite his yellow school bus specialness i know i shouldnt have said.  it was almost like an out of body experience i said things i didnt even know i had to say and even though when i was saying them i could see my words cutting through him like a hot knife to butter i just couldnt stop, am i wrong, i mean i know what i said was wrong but if i did or didnt mean them is it wrong when someone keeps pushing you. i would love more than anything to tell him i am sorry, but a part of me feels like he needed to hear those words just like i needed to get them off my chest, is it wrong to know that you have hurt someone and  not apologize, is it wrong to lose that much of control and have to ponder if whats the right thing to do is really the right thing to do.  and for as bad as i feel, i also feel equally okay to a degree, but is this bigger than me and my feelings, is this really about repairing a relationship for my daughters, ugh sometimes morals and ethics are so overrated, so here's to saying "sorry!"  (ugh)

satan's lair!

so i ran across this article today and had to share, mainly because at the end of the article, mr sessions says he's been diagnosed with snake related post-traumatic stress disorder....seriously!


Like 'living in Satan's lair': Family flees snake-infested home

The house sits on pastoral acreage in the rural Idaho countryside. At a price less than $180,000, it seemed a steal - until its owners discovered it was infested with hundreds of snakes

 
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43406957/ns/business-personal_finance/t/living-satans-lair-family-flees-snake-infested-home/from/toolbar

some people are just meant to be.....

tijuana jackson, first off how can you not take life advice from a dude that cyphers gas from a school bus while the kids are on their and is smoking a cigarette!?!  626, oh hell naw not on my phone, who gets busted for going to pick up a set of Ginsu knives with the bamboo wood blocks with a warrant!?!

oh yeah he is trying to give you legitimate information....

im flashy, im good looking, i wear chains and shit, i cant be a professional, confer-monfer! (lol)
(who says this stuff)

i noticed you was having a little bit of a dilemma....  an investigation of your self image is in order! (wtf)

i know i have seen this episode a million times but i swear it gets funnier every time i see it and see him.

i mean just cause im breaking you down to build you up, i mean dont take offense to it, it wont work!

you just cant save everyone some people are meant to be fucked up! (lol)

i needed a laugh tonight, between my life coach and the hide and seek game on portlandia, i may be set for life.

if you never have seen funny or die presents or been on the website, you are so missing out!

negative testing!

oh the joys of summer!  the feeling of happiness you get when the sun hits your face is incredible and after 10 months of winter the warm weather is definitely welcomed with open arms!
in my line of work the warm weather also brings out the most interesting thoughts in peoples heads, case in point...
tuesday a resident walked in my office to tell me that he did an IQ test on me and it came back negative.  i thought wisely before i replied cause as you can imagine this was a shock to me, for one i didnt know you did not have to be present yourself to take the test and two i didnt know that it gave positive or negative results! (LOL)  so i asked well i didnt know that the test can give positive or negative results, i thought it was scored using a numerical value, so how would one score positive or negative and why did i score a negative? (humor me please is what i was thinking) he began to state that positive means your smart and negative your not, so again i asked why am i not, he stated for the last two months you have sent me a letter saying that i owe "x" amount to you and for the past two month i have not paid and yet you sent the letter again this month and that is not a "smart" use of your time or energy, in case you havent noticed i am not going to pay! SMH, i thought, he is so right, i couldnt even argue.  i have to admit his IQ test was right, and i just scored a negative! (LOL)

stripper or not!!! (LOL)

i honestly dont like to say things unless i truly believe there is some truth to it, i feelo like all things are based on some truth how far that truth stretches in between and how much you believe varies, all a case by case matter! (LOL)  so  i really but some thought into this before i decided to converse about it or even put it in the blog, but i truly think my daughters principle is a stripper! :)  here is why, since she has been at the school she has upgraded her car to a high end suv three times, could be she is a bad driver or doesnt keep vehicles for very long, however generally you dont continue to upgrade that fast and in such a short amount of time, like less than a full year, not to say it's not likely but her she is a principle and her truck cost about 65 grand, maybe she has good credit maybe not either way.....suspicious!
her hair keeps getting blonder and her breast bigger, maybe she used to be a man and she's on hormone medication, either way...suspicious!
yesterday at a family event she wore a super not family or kid friendly dress, could have been made out of stretch polyester or rayon, was fitting too tight in all the wrong places, i.e. if her slit was any higher you could see her thong/g-string (LOL)  this dress also happened to show some newly acquired tan lines, maybe she went on a trip, who knows but friday's she's generally on vacation, either way...suspicious!
i love shoes, like my middle name could be shoes, it's something passed down from my mother, from her mother, and so one, shoes are a big thing in my family, so when i see someone i typically see their feet first, kind of weird  i know, but it's me.... i kid you not when I say i have never seen her wear anything less than a 4 1/2 inch shoe, last night she wore a pair that looked just like this, either way....suspicious!
and i stand by my belief my daughters principle may just be a stripper! (LOL)

anatomy of a goldfish! (LOL)

do goldfish have hearts!?!

so this morning we had to say good bye to goldfish number 9, we have stopped naming them, every time we give one a name it dies, so we have just started to number them! I am not sure if goldfish arent as strong as they were when I was a kid or if in the middle of the night my daughters are poisoning them with jelly beans and bubble gum, both thoughts highly possible! (LOL) but I do remember I had a goldfishthat I swear had 9 lives, our cat who was the spawn of satan herself, had to knock the tank over at least four times, she would flick the goldfish out of the bowl, which as funny as that may sound was traumatic to see, I mean she was going to get this fish anyway possible and no matter how many times we thought that fish was near dead we would put it back in the bowl and it would be as if nothing happened!
anyway so as we wake up to find fish number 9 floating, and not the good kind of float; my 6 year old whose concept of death revolves around Micheal Jackson, seriously when he died she told everyone at school that he died because his heart stopped singing, so now anytime she hears about death it's because people's heart stopped doing something for whatever reason, everything from their heart stopped laughing to their heart stopped playing basketball. so today she asked did the goldfish die because it's heart stopped swimming and her sister interrupted and said goldfish dont have hearts and that the goldfish died cause it drowned, which was pretty hilarious, but then I thought does a goldfish have a heart!?! silly i know to even think of that but not all living things have hearts, right!?! plants don't and they grow and die, jellyfish dont have hearts, living organisms dont have hearts, so do goldfish!?! I googled it and they do! (LOL)

the date that will never happen again! (LOL)

so it has been a while since i have been on a date from hell and after today i think i may reconsider dating and men being in the same sentence a curse! (LOL)
i dont like dating to begin with, i am much better in a relationship than i am when i am dating, i dont think dating is fun and to be honest i find it to be a waste of time.
i mean i guess some of this disaster may have to do with me, i am still not feeling all that well but given the last few times he asked me out i had something going on so i forewarned that i am a walking germ and maybe tonight was not a good night but he insisted, so i said let's do something chill, maybe bowl or go play pool, something i can throw on my glasses cause i am not touching my eye balls be it my luck i may contract pink eye from all my germs or my eye ball may fall out (LOL) any way i can throw on some jeans and some boots and my glasses and a big enough person to carry my box of Kleenex! he said this was cool with him, so i let him come pick me up which i never do, but because chronic sneezing and coughing is extremely dangerous while driving and i think you can only talk yourself out of a ticket once and being i dont want to find out if i can use that as an excuse twice i thought this would be safer for everyone on the road! so he ask what i want to do and i (in my head of course) am thinking didnt we already have this convo and worse how do you ask someone on a date and not have a plan, there is nothing worse than 15 minutes of "it doesnt matter, what do you want to do" (ugh) red flag and yet i didnt jump out of the car at the next red light, mind you when i dont feel good i have low tolerance and patience for people both of which would have been nice to have for this dimwit! anyway i say lets go for burgers he says okay and we end up at bucca's (ugh) red flag number two he doesnt listen very well, i have a 6 and a 4 year old who have mastered this obviously some people never grow out of this! (LOL) so he ask what i would like i say chicken parmesan and he orders lasagna for me, wtf! all the while he is talking about himself, i think i may have said a few words and they happened to be "excuse me while i got to the ladies room" anyway after listening to him talk about him the bill comes and he proceeds to tell me what my half is, and not that i never go anywhere without knowing i can pay for myself or be able to get home, so i stay calm and i pay for my half, by this point i start to initiate my chronic cough and sneezing and say repeatedly i am a little tired not really feeling that well, however he just didnt get it! so he suggest we meet up with his friends at a local bar where he knows the band thats playing, so i think great why not, because hanging out with not only the asshole, but the assholes friends has to be way more fun, so as i sit contemplating sneezing a snot gob on him as he drives, i started to think i value my life and i dont want him to get into an accident at least not on my side of the car! (LOL) so we get to the bar and i meet the asshole crew and i keep thinking these are the things nightmares are made of and if i was sleeping and freddy was about to slash me i would welcome it, so of course they say lets get a drink, so i say sure because it cant get any worse, so everyone gets drinks, he orders me a drink and he has the nerves to ask me to get this round, seriously i am going to buy you and 4 of your friends drinks i dont even like you and you ordered some shit i would never drink, so i say sure lets order a round of shots too, and ill be right back i need to run to the atm, i ended up sneaking out the back door got in a cab turned my phone off and went home, climbed in my bed and started writing this. lesson learned...never ever go out with someone who refers to themselves in third or fourth person! (LOL)

friendship...

these past few months have been a trying time in the world of friendships for me, the first major blow was my best friend of 21 years was diagnosed with breast cancer, seeing her and being by her side while she was going through chemo and everything, i realized how much i take people and my own health for granted, this whole thing was such an eye opener, in a way this ordeal brought us soo much closer, i never knew that our relationship could get any closer, we already spent so much time together we talked everyday we have been in each others lives for so long, i mean we even would finish each other sentences and know what the other was thinking before we thought it, but being with her during this trial in her life made us that much closer, and it was such a blessing to be able to be with her through this journey, though we are not out of the woods yet i was thankful to be her rock when she needed it. i feel like everyone in my life is there for a reason and i am so thankful for all the people in my life and sometimes as friends we dont always treat each other right or say the right things or even pick up the phone when we know we should. this year more than any year i learned to be a better friend and allow people to be a better friend to me and it is an amazing feeling.

"a man's growth is seen in the successive choirs of his friends" -ralph waldo emerson

very cool!

these were done by a German aritist by the name of Edgar Mueller, they are 3-d paintings done on sidewalks and streets. Very Cool!

not so happy friday...

So on top of being a walking germ and suffering from sinusitis, a bronchial infection, and just for fun, we will add in strep, who gets strep in the spring beside me, ugh; i just found out i may have killed someone and to be honest i dont really feel that bad about it! so i had this resident who was just a piece of work, whenever he didnt get his way he would threaten to sue me, for example, he bought a car needed a spot to park it, there were none on site which i guess was all my fault so he threatened to sue, wow really, cause who buys a car in the city and isnt sure where they are going to park it, he also went on a stalking rampage and begin to follow co-workers home, and was just an all around butthole! so, it got to the point where he just couldnt be in the building so he had to go, not like i offed him in the building or anything but i did put him out, all legal! anyway they found him dead a day ago from an overdose and according to someone close to him, he hit a low when he had to leave the building and started "using" again, so i kind of feel a little like it's my fault, however we all have choices and he had more than his fair share of chances to get his act together but it's still kind of the point, i know this goes hand in hand with the work i do but death is never easy and it's really not easy when you feel like you could have done more, or been more patient, or understanding to what was causing his issues, ugh not fun, and not a happy friday.
is it a crime to drink while taking medication with codeine in it, wait, it is me i am talking about, that's just an accident waiting to happen! (LOL)

uhmmmm....

"constantly choosing the lesser of two evils, is still choosing evil."
-Jerry Garcia

it's that friday feeling!

http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/58nr

so this is super hilarious to me, can you tell I am super excited about... you guessed it.... FRIDAY!

chocolate peanuter butter pie!

LMAO!

funny thing...

The funniest thing keeps happening to me on Fridays…
I misplace my energy when the sun comes up and I always seem to find it when the sun goes down…I think I have it all backwards or maybe the weekends here! (LOL)

I'm back, at least I think I am! :)

So it has been quite sometime since I last "blogged" and to be honest I may have missed it a little bit!
So since my last conversations with myself or whoever is reading my post, there has been allot going on. A whole new year, another year older, my daughters are still driving me nuts at least it's laughable, my job is still full of craziness (it's contagious), my best friend battled breast cancer, the person I cared about is gone away (not to jail, though), friendship and potiental relationships challenged, friends have gotten married, a few had children, I lost a parent, found a sibling, made a ton of mistakes, but kept smiling, and life is still going on!

more than anything I survived and more than anything I decided to live by this quote...

I cannot believe that the purpose of life is to be "happy." I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be compassionate. It is, above all, to matter and to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all.

- Leo C. Rosten

window...

Have you ever been in that place in life, when it seems like everything is going wrong!?! It's even worse when you cant see an end to it and cannot find the light at the end of the tunnel...

I am so at that place and I swear it's been such an emotional journey for me these last few months. With work its finding the balance of work and home. I work in a position where it's high stress and it takes so much out of you everyday and there is never a down time, its the constant rush to get everything done but your dealing with so much your not accomplishing anything at all! Don't get me wrong, I love what I do but then I come home to two very beautiful demanding children and I feel like there are days when I just dont have the energy or patience, but I LOVE MY DAUGHTERS and so I only feel right giving them my all!! Then there is school and men, that's a whole other issue! But it's like everything is culminating in this tornado we call life and I am stuck right in the middle, havent quite made it to OZ (not like OZ the HBO show ! LOL)and I havent quite been able to plant my feet back on stable ground...

Then today something happened and despite all I was feeling and not knowing what is next or where to turn and what to do, God eased my mind, opened my window, and I know it's going to be okay!! But I think about what if I didnt have faith or something to hold on to, where do people who are going through things turn when they have taken all they can take!?!

is ignorance bliss??

I was reading an article this morning about God's Gift Achiuwa, a forward from Nigeria who plays at Erie Community College. Yes, God's Gift is his real name, which I thought was interesting! The problem I had wasnt so much with the article, but the people that commented on it and how ignorant of comments they made in regards to his name and him being black and saying how all black people name their children "ghetto" names! I am baffled that still today people think like that and have so many negative things to say for no reason. Is it that people have nothing else to say about anything or is this really how people think and when has it ever been cool to be ignorant?

Granted people, not just "black" people do things that make you say, WTF, but who are we to question and judge and make comments. Seriously, doesnt the whole if you dont have anything nice to say, say nothing at all mean anything!?!

want her back.....

So typically I am a private person, so doing this whole blog thing is a part of me breaking from that and sharing things I only would let those close to me know. I mean there is still that need to keep some things to myself but it's also a part of letting go and being vulnerable to some extent. I still havent told anyone about me blogging, but I prefer to find my groove and figure out why I am really doing this and what "blogging" really is before I tell anyone. So for now I guess this is kind of for myself and whoever runs across my page!

Anyway today I had a total out of character experience, some girlfriends were over and we were looking through my monthly publication of Essence and there was a section with hot "eye drool" (LOL) So out of a dare I emailed one... Is this why you dont mix the liq with crazy friends and crazy days! I so cant believe I did it and not that I am expecting anything but it was actually kind of cool to step out of "me" for a minute and just do something!

I remember when I was younger I had no fears and was always the crazy one out of the bunch of my friends, I would be the one to walk up to someone and just start a conversation, or hop on the back of a bike and go for a ride with someone I didnt even know, and when we would travel I would never do touristy (could be a word! LOL)crap, I would so be about hanging with the locals, doing things and going places, looking back probably were not the safest things/places to do/be! (thank GOD for my mother's prayers!) but thats who I was, so what happened somewhere between then and now, I lost that I became reserved or an adult. WTF!?! (LOL)

Dont get me wrong I'm not boring but I am not that person anymore!

I am not really sure what happened or when but I am working to find that person again, cause I miss her and want her back!

is crazy contagious!?!

I try not to complain about things because I know that things could be worse in general and there is always someone in a worse off situation that what I think I am in, but....

Sometimes I wonder why can't I just win the lottery and never have to work again. Don't get me wrong I work for a non-profit in the capacity of dealing with individuals who are chronically homeless, have high mental illness, and substance abuse issues. I love what I do, I am happy to have a job and I go home everyday feeling like I did something, like my work isnt in vain and it's far from the world of coporate america which I dont miss at all.

But then there are days like this and I come to work and before nooon I find myself saying WTF, really people are you serious!?!
What is worng with people and why cant they use common sense, sometimes I think that being crazy is contagious!
Some days I start to wonder when does crazy become too much and if insanity is in fact infectious and if so I think I am slowly catching it!!!

blogger!?!

So I have offically gravitated to the world of "web blogging" not sure how good I am going to be at this, or if anyone will even care what I have to say but we all need an outlet right!?! What's better than some chic about to hit 30 showing all her flaws to the world to make you feel good about yourself! Hopefully my life isnt that bad! (LOL) If it is then someone help me now!

My hope with my blog is to.....well i havent quite figured that out yet,but whatever it is, I hope it's enjoyable!